I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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