my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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