i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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