We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
