The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
