I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
