Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
