They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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