i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
