He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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