I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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