it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize