am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
