I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
