No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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