did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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