paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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