that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
