You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
no you cant smoke seaweed
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize