I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize