the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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