clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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