I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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