I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
