I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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