Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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