Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
