i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
