Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
