I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
