I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
