i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
