Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
