I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
