It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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