She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
