My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
