i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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