Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
