rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I smell stomach acid.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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