I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
