I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
