so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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