Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize