ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize