whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize