Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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