Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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