omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
