hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
