i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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