why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
