I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm getting married
To pizza
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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