Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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