my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
