so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
