I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize