mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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