happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
did you just send me my own nude
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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