time to smoke my breakfast
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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