it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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