Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
