I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
