It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
