it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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