just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
